A Play by Kai

CHARACTERS:

COLTON is 5 years old but is 14 years old in human years. COLLARD GREENS is 7 years old but is 16 in human years.  COLTON and COLLARD GREENS are both chimps.

SETTING:

It’s hot with a lil bit of breeze. It’s loud and in the cage in the San Francisco Zoo. It smells like elephant shit.  The cage is big with heavy metal solid bars.   

       

TIME:

Summer of 1906 at noon.

AT RISE: COLTON is swinging on the bars on the way to Chimp Academy.  COLLARD GREENS is taking his six mile walk.  


COLTON
What it do Chimpy. How da hell ya been?

COLLARD GREENS
Nothin’ man. I’m just walking. I’ve been cool, you dig, you might wanna get to school before da dam bell rings.

COLTON
Naw man, da bell don’t ring till 7:30. It’s only 6:45. Dam Chimpy, we should kick it dude.

COLLARD GREENS
(He Yells) Colton. I ain’t got no dam time for you.  I busy. So leave, man.

COLTON
Shoot, you need a break. Ya’ll chimps work too hard. Lets go to da Mississchimpi river, yah dig.

COLLARD GREENS
K. Colton. I’ll kick it wit yah, as soon as I got’s time.

(The next day)

COLTON
Man, it’s Saturday, time to get dressed.

(At the river COLTON finds COLLARD GREENS already chimping.)

COLTON
Hey hey hey. Wat it do Greens! Why you ain’t wait for me to chimp wit yah? Is yah almost done? When you are, let’s kick rocks.

COLLARD GREENS
Man, I’m sick of yah. You don’t even know what you did. You is so dum man. Go get a life.

COLTON
(Tears up) Awww man.  I ain’t did no harm. Why ain’t you tell me what I did? I really love yah as a friend.

COLLARD GREENS
Man. I ain’t wanna talk to yah. Yah ain’t nothing but a low down piece of chimp.

COLTON
(Sobbing and on his knees) Is this crap about Purple and you still being married?

COLLARD GREENS
(Loudly) Yes. This is about my wife.

COLTON
So that’s what it’s about. Wow I can’t believe this.

COLLARD GREENS
Man yah know. I love my wife. Man she’s my prize possession. All you wanna do is steal her from me. Why da hell would you wanna do dat for?

COLTON
Collard Greens, you are my only friend and I wouldn’t do that to yah.

COLLARD GREENS
(Angrily) You liar. You are such a fake. You’ve always wanted to steal her. I watch you two very closely. And I Know what’s up between you two. I will never let you have her.

COLTON
(Goes back in memory) Collard Greens (sternly). Remember when we went to the movies, you stole the banana. I let you blame that on me so your ass wouldn’t get in trouble. That’s what friends do. You’re a fool if you don’t believe me.

COLLARD GREENS
Naw man, I hate you. I will never believe you. I hate the way you lie in my face.

COLTON
Well I don’t care what you believe. I’ll see you around.

(Three days later)

COLLARD GREENS
Man, I’m so pissed. I don’t even love my wife. I just want her to be far away from Colton. Friends are not supposed to steal wives.  After everything this is what I get. Well I have to find Colton, to tutor his dumb chimp ass.

COLTON
Hey Collard, Sorry about getting out of pocket with yah. I feel like you love your wife more than you love me.

COLLARD GREENS
Hell yeah I love my wife more than you. Do you remember the time at school and you didn’t remember algebra. Who tutored you? I did. And wow… I can’t even speak upon it…

COLTON
You did only cuz my mom told me to ask you.  Yeah, I don’t believe you love your wife more than me. I never see you with her.

COLLARD GREENS
When I was little, I had nothing. My mom died giving birth to me. I taught myself everything I know.  How dare you use your ma as an excuse. You have a family.  What am I? Ima orphan. Now I have my wife. And here you come.

COLTON
(Aside) I feel so weak in the knees I can hardly breathe. I’ve been so wrong. I love Collard Greens. I will do anything to be his friend. I really just don’t want to be alone. When I’m alone I feel like I don’t belong.  I dreamed of taking off from the San Francisco zoo, just to get to Purple. But I would rather have Collard Greens.  I love him, yes. I love him.

COLLARD GREENS
Colton. Look. I want you to kick rocks right now. I can’t do this.  (He goes back in memory.) I will never forget when he saved me in the Mississchimpi River. I almost died. I should just lighten up on him. He deserves it.

COLTON
Why do yah want me to kick rocks Collard?  Look, I want you to be there for me as I am for you, that’s all I want. Believe me, I don’t want Purple.

COLLARD GREENS
Cool man. But I really need a break.  All this got my hair turning gray.

COLTON
Naw man, I cool wit dat. Just hit me up tomorrow.

(Tomorrow rolls through, sunny, bright, birds are chirping, watermelon’s growing somewhere out there. There is a knock at COLLARD GREENS’ door. He opens it.)

COLTON
Hey man. What up? You feeling better? Ready to talk chimp to chimp? Cuz I am.

COLLARD GREENS
Yes man. Come in. Have a seat on a banana.  So, tell me how you really feel.

COLTON
Man, boi. I feel like all this mess has been happening cuz of me.  I feel like you accused me of wanting Purple more than you— if you had only listened to my words I said I wanted you more than Purple.  I could care less about your wife Purple. I just want to be your friend. I don’t wanna be lonely.  I been passive for the past week and I’m sick of it. I’m not gonna take your BS no more either.

COLLARD GREENS
Man. You bein straight up with me. If that’s how you feel, I feel like you used me to get to my wife, you dig. I loved the attention you were giving me— that’s why I stayed with all that BS. I love my wife more than you but I really want to be your friend. Sorry for giving you a hard time. I just loved to see you grovel.  It was so funny. But yeah, I’m really sorry. 

(COLTON AND COLLARD GREENS leave the house together and get some banana cream pie.)

THE END

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