A Play by Carlos P.

CHARACTERS:



SETTING:

ROADRUNNER, a 1969 Muscle Car, age 18 in car years. BIG MELLOW, a 1950 Crown Victoria Police Car, age 37 in Car Years, ROADRUNNER.

On the hills of Bernal Heights, in the background you hear crickets and car engines going on and off.

   
TIME:

9:30 at night on the 31st.  A Sunday night.

   
AT RISE:
ROADRUNNER is parked at the very corner of the hill, shining his lights, looking down at the beautiful city of San Francisco, California.

ROADRUNNER

Oh my goodness!  What a beautiful view, but this view still can’t erase the thoughts that are running through my engine.  Ever since I was a baby compact car, I’ve dreamt of racing beside my grandpa at the NASCAR series!  Man, I miss his engine so much!  He taught me how to keep my wheels clean and shining and how to go from 0 to 100 MPH!

(BIG MELLOW arrives and parks right next to his son.  Turns on his siren and bleeps)

BIG MELLOW
Hey Son, how’s your suspension running?

ROADRUNNER
I’m running good!  How about your engine?

BIG MELLOW
Ooh!  My engine is running just fine son.

ROADRUNNER
How you find out where I was dad?

BIG MELLOW
Aaah!  Easy…you know I’m a cop so I could trace your license plate from a mile away and since you expose yourself so much and your engine is loud, it wasn’t that hard!  Oh yea, one of your friends, A Chevy Impala lowrider that I don’t like named Hydraulics said you we’re coming up here too.

ROADRUNNER
Really?  My friend don’t talk to cops.

BIG MELLOW
What makes you think he wanted to talk to me, I had to pull him over and ask him about you.

ROADRUNNER
(furious and fuming smoke) Why you had to do all that mess!  You could’ve asked YOUR friends about me!  They be all over Market Street.  Some of them seen me driving by.  I’m sure they wouldn’t have had problems locating me!

BIG MELLOW
Anyways…to change the subject.  Have you thought about what we revved and honked about?

ROADRUNNER
Oh no..please.  I don’t feel like talking about this right now, could you please leave me alone?  I want to drive by myself right now.

BIG MELLOW
Why you giving me all the unnecessary attitude son?!  You know I care about your engine and you going to treat me like that?  Disrespectful and stuff!

ROADRUNNER
Man, whatever.  How many times have I told you to stop calling me son!  I’m not little no more!

BIG MELLOW
You better watch your grill talking to your Dad like that!!

ROADRUNNER
Yeah, whatever, I’m leaving.  Catch you later Pops, that’s if you don’t trace me first.

BIG MELLOW
You got a lot to learn son, where you going?

ROADRUNNER
I’m driving with my friends to the drive-in movie theater to watch this movie called THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS.

BIG MELLOW
Mmmhh!  You and your racing movies.  Careful now, don’t drink and drive, and if you do, you make sure you call a tow truck and take your drunken bumper home!

SCENE 2
(ROADRUNNER is hangin’ in Oakland, California at a sideshow with some of his friends)

ROADRUNNER
Man, this sideshow is crackin’ I didn’t know Oakland held this type of shows.  Man, look at that beauty, a pink 2004 Mercedes Benz..she looks so good. Damn, look at her bumper!

                        
(After partying, ROADRUNNER heads to the nearest gas station)

ROADRUNNER
Fill up my tank….but fill it up with Patron Oil (moments later) Ooh, man I feel so good and loose…dang!  Here we go, pedal to the metal!

                        (ROADRUNNER drives away speedily)

Oh no, uh oh!  Police behind me.  Oh man, what is my pops going to think.  He warned me about not drinking and driving, but look at me….Police behind me and stuff.  Oh well, it was good while it lasted.  I could easily burn these cops, but they already identified me, and they for sure know who my dad is.  Might as well just pull over.

                        (While sitting at home and watching “COPS”, BIG MELLOW all of a sudden gets a transmission on his radio)

BIG MELLOW

What? My son?  Are you sure?  Dammit, I’m on my way.  Now I gotta cross the bay bridge, go to Oakland and International and pick up my hardheaded son!  I told him, don’t drink and drive but no….he decides to ignore dad and do it anyways.  It seems like I’ve told him “Yea son, go right ahead and get drunk out of Patron Oil.” That’s it, that does it!  Tonight he’s going to hear it.  What are my friends going to think at the police station!  This ain’t good, not now, NOT NOW that I’m trying to become an F.B.I. car.  That’s real nice….real nice!  Thank you son for messing up my suspension and brakes.  I appreciate it.  How I’m going to be and F.B.I. cadet with the reputation my son is building for himself.  He’s becoming a criminal. “For God’s mobile sakes!” I hate those low rider freaks he hangs around with all my engine!  They are nothing but trouble.  And then he wants to be a NASCAR?  Give me a break.  I need new breaks anyways.

(BIG MELLOW arrives at the police station and sees ROADRUNNER lifted up by a tow truck)

BIG MELLOW
I hope you had fun.

ROADRUNNER
O here we go revving again!  I’ve told you Dad, I’m old enough to do whatever the heck I want to do!

BIG MELLOW
SHUT UP!  I’m tired of being nice to you.  I’ve had it with your mess!  I’ve done told you right from wrong, you’re just a teenager.

ROADRUNNER
So what!  I deserve to make my own choices.

BIG MELLOW
Like getting drunk?  That’s your type of choices?

ROADRUNNER
NO!  You know what I want?  I want to be a NASCAR.  I know Grandpa was one of them and died in a 4 car crash in the NASCAR finals but I’m willing to take my chances. That’s what I love to do, to race- to burn rubber- to kick up dust – to let myself go from 0-180MPH.  That’s what I love Dad, that’s what I want!

BIG MELLOW
That’s it?  Is that it?

ROADRUNNER
Oh yeah, I also want to raise money too!  I want to go to this show called “Pimp My Ride” and get detailed inside out, from rear to front!  Spinners and everything.

BIG MELLOW
Pimp my what?

ROADRUNNER
Pimp my ride, it’s a show that comes out on MTV.  O yeah, that’s right, I forgot.  You only watch the “court channel and that show “cops”!

BIG MELLOW
That has nothing to do with the conversation.  Don’t try and change the subject now!

ROADRUNNER
I want to be a NASCAR and get pimped out!

BIG MELLOW
You’re so stupid sometimes.  Remember what your grandpa told you at the mechanical hospital before he died?

ROADRUNNER
Yeah, to always be myself and fight for what I really want!
                                    
BIG MELLOW
Geez, you have a point there but I want you to be a cop, just like me.  Are you ashamed of me?  Are you ashamed that I’m a cop and all your friends know about it?  Huh!

ROADRUNNER
No, I’m not ashamed of you DAD!  It’s just that I don’t want to be a cop!

BIG MELLOW
And why is that?

ROADRUNNER
Because…..because I HATE COPS!

BIG MELLOW
Then you hate me?

ROADRUNNER
No, never, why should I?  I got love for you, it’s just that I hate the law Dad.

BIG MELLOW
That’s not a good reason.  Tell me why, give it to me straight.  I’m a grown ass car.  I can take a hit.

ROADRUNNER
Fine, I warned you but you won’t agree with it.  The only way I could accomplish my goal and objective is to do what I love to do…race.  I’ll be the happiest car in all San Francisco.  In order to race I need to join the NASCAR because if I race on the streets it’s illegal and I don’t want to get you mad, because I care about you.  If I’m racing on the freeway, even your friend, Rubber Burner the highway patrol car you have Budweiser oil beers with can catch me and put me in the impound, which is Jail.  Is that what you want?

BIG MELLOW
I guess you got a point there.  Finally, you start thinking with your engine………instead of your wheels.

ROADRUNNER
What do you say old man?  I could’ve done it already but I didn’t because I don’t want to break your mileage feelings, so do you agree with me?  Will you let me do it.

BIG MELLOW
NO!!  You know what, your mother is throwing a party for your sister.  You should drive by, then we talk some more!

ROADRUNNER
Where at?

BIG MELLOW
At a carpool lane, you won’t miss it.  You’ll probably see some convertible honeys looking good and stuff!  Can’t miss it.  It’s next to the freeway.

Scene 3
(ROADRUNNER is driving, searching for the party)

ROADRUNNER
Where the carpool at?  Oh, there we go.  Hey Dad, I’m here.

BIG MELLOW
Ok, son.  I came to a conclusion and you can’t join the NASCAR

ROADRUNNER
What!  How dare you!

BIG MELLOW
Don’t talk back to me, I’m tired of your mess!

ROADRUNNER
That’s how you feel huh?  What about what I want?

BIG MELLOW
Listen up…..N – O, NO!  Shut up, I’ve said what I have to say!

ROADRUNNER
Dammit, I’m out of here.

(ROADRUNNER explodes, revvs his engine and takes off, going from 0-100 mph)

BIG MELLOW
Oh man, he’s going to crash at the speed he’s going, I better go after him!  (BIG MELLOW turns on his siren) Roadrunner!  You better stop!  Oh man, he can’t hear me.  I better use my microphone!  Roadrunner, stop! Please stop!

ROADRUNNER
No! Leave me alone!

BIG MELLOW
Watch out!             

(ROADRUNNER crashes with a concrete barrier.  BIG MELLOW collides with an oil tanker.  Both cars are totaled in the crash.)

THE END

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