The Argument

by Eddie B.

Characters:

CRASH the Paper Airplane – 5 days old

SPIN the Spitball – 6 days old

They are brothers.

Setting: Classroom (inside a desk drawer)

Time: Day

At rise: Crash is in the drawer, pacing back and forth and fuming.



CRASH

(pacing) (mumbling under his breath)

Seconds later the drawer opens and Spin drops in.

SPIN

Shiza! That old hag! How dare she! I can’t believe this…!

CRASH

Oh no. You’re here, too?!

SPIN

(spins around) (speaking sarcastically)

No, I’m not here, I’m still out there!

CRASH

Hey man, I didn’t do anything to you!

SPIN

(breaking a paper clip)

Yo shut up!

CRASH

Hey, you’re gonna get us in more trouble!

SPIN

Oh, you’re Mr. Goody-two-wings now!

CRASH

No, but at least I’m not like you, always wanting to break this,

hit her, and get stuck on that!

SPIN

(advancing on crash)

Why I oughta…!

We hear the sound of a drawer opening.

SPIN

What was that?

CRASH

That was this… (gestures around).

SPIN

Soooo…. what exactly is this?!

CRASH

A drawer! It was a drawer dim wit!

SPIN

Geez, that was harsh.

CRASH

What?! You were about to hit me, and that was harsh…

SPIN

Yeah, otherwise…

Another drawer opens somewhere.

CRASH

Shhh! Keep it down, I need to get out of here.

SPIN

Crash, how are we gonna get outta here?

CRASH

I don’t know. I just know that I gotta see the world!

I gotta fly man, ya know.

SPIN

W – w – whaaat! What do you mean, see the world.

I thought we were the Havoc Bros. We’re supposed to cause trouble,

break, crash and get stuck on things, man!

CRASH

Well, I mean, that’s fun and all but…

SPIN

But what? You don’t like me anymore, is that it? Huh?

CRASH

No, it’s not you. It’s me.

I mean, yeah. It’s you a little bit.

But it’s mostly me, though.

SPIN

So you don’t like me, that’s what you want to say?

Isn’t it?

CRASH

You sound like a bad date, man, cool down.

SPIN

Cool down! What you expect me to cool down!

(Breaks another paperclip)

How can I do that when you got these dreams of seeing things

and living a carefree life and just generally coasting along!

Where’s the Havoc in that?

CRASH

Well, turbulence has a bit of havoc in it.

I guess.

SPIN

Ha! Turbulance! Do you even hear yourself speaking?

CRASH

Actually, I’ve gone temporarily deaf for a few seconds.

Hey man, when did you become so mean?

I mean, you’ve always been this way

but not so much towards me.

SPIN

Oh about 5 ½ days ago!

You know when we got kicked out of the desk?

CRASH

Well, you don’t have to hate on my dream, bro.

I’m a plane, I gotta fly, man, feel the wind.

SPIN

Crash, quit being delusional. You’re a PAPER AIR PLANE.

You can barely stay in the air for more than a minute.

And you can feel the wind beneath your wings

while crashing around the classroom with me!

Think what good can come from going out that window.

CRASH

Look at what good all your havoc did.

We’re stuck in a drawer probably gonna

be recycled, spin.

SPIN

Well at least we had fun. I mean, you did have fun, didn’t you?

CRASH

Of course I had fun. Remember the time I got

stuck up that jock’s nose?

SPIN

Yeah, that was the best, man.

You really don’t want to leave, do you?

CRASH

Yes, I do.

SPIN

No, you don’t.

CRASH

How are you gonna say what I want to do?

SPIN

Like this, ‘No, you don’t.’

CRASH

See, this is why I want to go!

SPIN

Aha, so it is me.

CRASH

No.

SPIN

Yes, it is.

CRASH

What the hell, man.

You like causing trouble so much

that you want to be the problem.

That’s sad, bro.

SPIN

Well, it’s not as sad as a paper plane wanting to be a real plane.

CRASH

Uh, yeah it is and there’s nothing wrong

with being a real plane. Look at pinocchio, that’s a famous story.

SPIN

Look, you can’t leave man.

CRASH

And why can’t I leave, Spin, why?

SPIN

Well, for one, we’re stuck in a drawer and… and…

CRASH

And what?

SPIN

Well, uh, look, this might sound a bit girly, man,

but I… I… I need you, man.

CRASH

What if I said, I don’t care.

SPIN

Well… I’d probably break your face.

Nothing personal, of course.

CRASH

See, that’s why I gotta go man.

SPIN

Wait, I didn’t mean it like that.

What I meant was I’d have to slap you about a little,

you know.

CRASH

No, man, I don’t know.

I thought we were brothers.

Brothers don’t do that to each other, Spin.

SPIN

Well, if I did that it would make your statement false, wouldn’t it?

CRASH

Yes. Yes, it would. But if, but then, I would definitely leave.

SPIN

So you’re not gonna leave?

CRASH

I didn’t say that, did I?

SPIN

Well, no, but you could stay.

CRASH

Look, I’m leaving and that’s final.

The drawer opens and crash is pulled out. The drawer then closes.

SPIN

What! What! Hey, what about me?!

What the hell, man.

(pause)

I hate being so small.

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