A Play by Grace O.
Leather (pronounced Leether): A four-foot high leather and wood bar stool. 20 years old. Male.
Trident: A chewed, dusty piece of gum stuck under a bar. 50 years old. Male.
A bar called “The 1” in San Diego, California.
(LEATHER and TRIDENT are at the end of the bar next to the juke box. Queen’s “We Are The Champions” plays on the juke box.)
LEATHER Are you serious? That is the 30th time they’ve played that song today!
TRIDENT I know! I don’t understand why they like that song so much. The only thing they’re champions of is drinking and scratching themselves.
LEATHER (Laughs. Mocking the song:) We’re alcoholics! We’re alcoholics! No time for bathing, ‘cause we’re alcoholics… my friends.
(Their attention turns to the television.)
LEATHER Look Trident! That’s my brother! That’s my brother!
TRIDENT What? You have a brother? Where?
LEATHER Right there! Right there! On TV!
(On TV is Madonna, showing her condo in New York on the show “Cribs.”)
LEATHER You don’t see Madonna?
TRIDENT Madonna is your brother?
LEATHER No. You piece of masticated goo. Do you see what Madonna’s wearing? The jacket? Do you see it? That’s my brother. Can’t you tell? We come from the same cow. (Speaking out.) C – me and my brother started out in a Mustang convertible. We were both part of the leather interior. The owner of the car decided that he wanted to change it into a red leather interior, so he ripped us apart. And we haven’t seen each other since. (Pause.) To tell you the truth, I never thought I’d see him again. (LEATHER’s attention returns to bar.) I have to see him. I just have to. I have to find a way to make it to my brother.
(A pause. TRIDENT is shocked and confused.)
LEATHER (Excited.) There has to be a way! I have to see him again!
TRIDENT How do you think you’re going to get there? You can’t even walk.
LEATHER Where there’s a will, there’s a way.
TRIDENT What about me, you’re just leaving and never coming back? You’re just going to leave me here with these other broken down bar stools? You said you were going to help me find my Bubbalicious! At least let me find her and then leave. Don’t just leave me here all alone.
(LEATHER is not really paying attention.)
TRIDENT Are you listening to me?
(LEATHER gets a light bulb over his head.)
LEATHER You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to squeak my ass off. I’m going to throw people off me. I’m going to unscrew my screws. I’m going to mess up so bad that the owner won’t have any other choice but to donate me. (Delusional.) And then I’ll get sent to Leathers R Us, and right there they will patch me up and send me to the Velvet Lounge in New York, and I will have a better chance of meeting my brother. You know, the same thing happened to the stool that used to be at the other end of the bar. He got so messed up that he got fixed and sent to the Velvet Lounge. You know how I know? Well, I overheard the owner talking to his friend from Leathers R Us, and he told him, ”Remember that barstool you donated? Yeah, well, I fixed it and sold it to the owner of the Velvet Lounge in New York for five hundred dollars.”
TRIDENT You would seriously just take your chances? What if you just never make it and end up in a DUMP?
LEATHER Yes, I am willing to take those chances.
(LEATHER’s head spins, squeaking.)
TRIDENT (Irritated and disheartened.) Oh my God. Do you have to do that right now?
LEATHER Yeah! Remember? Everything’s going out in three days for the remodeling the owner’s going to do. It’s on the calendar. That means if I’m going to do something I have to do it now.
TRIDENT What about me? What’s going to happen to me?
LEATHER You have to figure that out on your own.
(The bar. Three days later. Sounds of LEATHER squeaking.)
TRIDENT Ohhh God! Stop! You’ve been squeaking for three days straight, you threw about five people off of you, and you unscrewed your head like three times. If the owner didn’t notice by now, maybe he never will. Maybe he doesn’t care since he’s going to start remodeling the whole place today.
LEATHER At least I can tell myself I tried. If only there was a way that my brother could have seen what I tried to do for him. But I forgot I’m only a bar stool.
(LEATHER and TRIDENT are in the dump.)
LEATHER Can you believe how things can just change from one moment to another? I felt it. I felt him. I really thought that I was going to be able to see my brother again… Did you see how those men just chainsawed my legs off? It’s like they had no heart. I was there laying on the floor looking up at you and I really thought they were just going to slice you in half. I can’t believe that guy picked you up and chewed you. Who chews a 50-year-old piece of gum? And then he stuck you on the bottom of my head. I really wish I could have met my brother, but then I realized I would’ve also lost a brother. I was just so caught up in what I was trying to do that I didn’t even take your feelings into consideration. You should have said something.
TRIDENT I tried, but you just wouldn’t listen. (Laughs hard.) I told you, you were going to end up in the dump.