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Gary:
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Hey Bob. How was your day today, buddy?
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Cheeder Bob:
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Well, I can say it was OK. But the funniest – |
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Gary:
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Yeah, yea,
(turns his back at him very slow)
Well, I want to talk about something.
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Cheeder Bob:
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But I didn’t tell you about what happened to me little buddy! I was –
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Gary:
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I really think you should hear this.
(takes a deep breath)
Well, I’ve got this problem in my life. I was thinking about going on the Cocoon Lake show to tell you, but I think I don’t need her help. So I thought about it and –
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Cheeder Bob:
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Stop right there…I have to tell you what happened before I forget. I was walking down to –
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Gary:
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(turns back to Cheeder Bob)
I got a problem. I lick rust!
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Cheeder Bob:
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(Looks at the snail)
Yeah right, and my aunt is Aunt Jemima. Ha Ha Ha!
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| Gary: |
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(with serious look)
I’m not trying to make a joke about it. I decided to tell you about it because I need help, and you’re the only person on my side.
(looks with tears)
You’re my best friend and I think you should know my secret.
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| Cheeder Bob: |
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(looks dead in his eyes)
I can see that you’re not playing. Why did you hide this from me? I thought we was best friends. Now I find out that you lick rust to get high.
(he’s ready to blow)
Shoot…I always had trust in you. Never thought we would keep secrets away from each other. What happened to that?
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Gary:
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I know that, but I thought you would start thinking bad about me. I’m –
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| Cheeder Bob: |
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Now how do you think I think about you? You lied to me! What ever happened to the tattoo on your shell: Up with hope, down with dope!
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| Gary: |
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Well, can I get credit for telling you my confession? The reason I’m telling you this is because I don’t want to keep it away from you no longer. It hurts me to hide this from you. And I need your help on quitting. I tried so many times to quit on my own, but I can’t. I feel there’s no hope. That’s why I’m telling you.
(Gary starts to cry)
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Cheeder Bob:
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Gary…I’m very hurt about this. I can’t believe you did such a thing to me. We were supposed to be the best of friends. Now I don’t know how I feel.
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| Gary: |
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But I’m sorry. I really am. I wish I can change the past, but I can’t. But I believe I can change the future and that’s what I want to do. It all started when my wife broke up with me and took my kids. I was so depressed about it, I would do anything to keep her off my mind. That’s when I went to the garden and hooked up with a homie that had this new stuff called rust. Ever since, I’ve been hooked. I was one of the wealthiest snails around, but lost it all. All…
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| Cheeder Bob: |
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Well, I’m sorry to hear that, I just can imagine how hard it must be for you. But just because you lost all your money, wife and kids doesn’t mean you have to loose your life. There’s more to life than just money. Remember there’s always more women.
(about to sneeze)
AAAAAAAAAHHHHH – CCCCHHHUUUUUUUUU!
(A toupee flies off Cheeder Bob’s head onto the snail)
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| Gary: |
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What the hell is this?
(crazy look on his face)
It’s your hair, but I thought –
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Cheeder Bob:
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Ah, ah,…I don’t know.
(surprised look on his face)
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Gary:
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(very mad)
You talk all that worm poop about me keeping secrets away from you. And look at you. You lied to me! Why?
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Cheeder Bob:
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(look on his face like he doesn’t know what to say)
Ah, well, I guess I should of kept it real with you. But I just didn’t want to look like a fake.
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Gary:
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Now I really think you’re a fake.
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| Cheeder Bob: |
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That’s why I didn’t wan you or no body to find out! Everybody will think I’m a fake and a looser. I think my toupee is what made everybody around me happy. |
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| Gary: |
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(starts to slime in circles)
Man, I don’t know what to say now. You was coming at me sideways, and to find out you was hiding something too. Now I feel very suicidal. I got these problems of my own and I thought you could of helped me. But you’re fake about everything. Man, I’m about to go to that mean kid’s backyard – he killing all them bummed out bugs. See if I get some luck and get salt poured on me or a penny slammed on top of me. I lost it all. My wife, kids. All my money. I had a 2035 Sluggy-Benz with the batman fin – just to let you know, that was not out yet. And to top it all off, my best friend –
(looks C.B. straight in the face)
You, the one buddy I have on my side lied to me. I feel very worthless. |
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| Cheeder Bob: |
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I’m sorry that I made you feel so bad, and had something to do with all this. I just can imagine how much pain you’ve been through, little buddy. I can understand if you’re all uptight with what just went down. But don’t end up doing something stupid. Just think for a minute there. What would happen if you did do suicide? Your kids would learn that there dad was a bum and a looser. That he hit rock bottom and did nothing about it. What about me…
(looks with tears in his eyes)
…your best friend? Who would be there with me? Who would take walks with me around the bug hood, talking about my life back home. You’re the strongest snail I ever met.
(aside) He’s the only snail I ever met to begin with.
And that what gives me motivation to be who I am every day. Without you, it would be like Kool-Aid and no water; peanut butter and no jelly; burgers, no cheese; Batman, no Robin. You get what I’m saying. I would not be complete. |
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| Gary: |
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(looks cheerful)
Whoa…I never thought I play a big part in your life. I always thought I was a slimy bug that had nothing to loose. I always though I meant nothing to nobody. Now that I hear this coming out you mouth, it changes the way I see everything. Man…I never felt so ecstatic in my life that now I feel I don’t need the rust no more. Up wit hope, down with dope! |
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| Cheeder Bob: |
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Yes, that’s good little buddy. I can see it in your eyes that you want to change. And with my help, you’re going to make it. You can do it! To start everything off, we’re going to rehab so you can get professional help. While you’re in there, I’ll do my best to find your family and see if I can make one happy home once again! |
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| Gary: |
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I always knew I could count on you to help me. Man…I don’t know what to say, but let’s get this started now! |
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Act 1 Scene 2
Time: 5 PM, Sunset on a nice fall day.
Place: Gary’s new family home in Madison Square Gardens, in the back yard drinking Kool-Aid.
At Rise: Gary and Cheeder Sitting on a balcony looking at a nice view of New York City, |
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| Gary: |
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(looking at the city view)
Remember 5 months back when I was ready to end it all? When I told you about my problems. And when – |
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| Cheeder Bob: |
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(embarrassed)
yeah, when I sneezed and my toupee flew off and landed on you, yeah, I remember. |
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| Gary: |
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Man, how things had changed. I sometimes wonder what would of happened if things didn’t go the way they did. |
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| Cheeder Bob: |
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(takes a deep breath)
I don’t know little buddy. But look at the good side of things. You made it out of a hard addiction and you’re back with your wife and kids. You got your life together, |
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| Gary: |
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(looks at Bob)
Yeah, I know. And I thank you a lot for all this. You played a big part on this. I can’t find the words that can express how I feel. But I can show you. |
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| Cheeder Bob: |
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How can you do that? |
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| Gary: |
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Well, I met this bug-doctor, Dr. Centipede. Well he just discovered this new hair drug called M.C.B. that really works. You put it on you where you need hair and wa-la! You got hair! So much hair that people will think you belong to the Jackson 5. For real. I’m not playing. |
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| Cheeder Bob: |
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Whoa… You’re not playing with me are you? Man little buddy, you just don’t know how much it means to me. Now I don’t have to put a front about who I am. Now I can make people realize me. Like you said, people would think I’m Tito Jackson, and that would make them happy. And just by them having a smile on their face, it will bring a smile to mine. Now people won’t be like “ Oh man, look at that chupacabra” and be scared of me. Now they’ll be like “look at him. What ever he is, with the Jackson 5 afro.” People will start laughing and being happy. Just by them doing that, I’ll feel like I just did my job, It’s so important to me because I feel that I got left here for a reason and it was to make people happy. |
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| Gary: |
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You never told me you got left behind. How long ago was this? |
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| Cheeder Bob: |
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Well, about 3 years back, my folks came from our home plant for a vacation. We wanted to split up and roam around the city. I wanted to go to Brooklyn and see what that was about. I told my folks to meet me there, but somewhere on the road I got lost and ended up here in Manhattan. Next thing you know, I see them bounce back home. But I can say it was meant to happen because I always try to make people happy. |
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| Gary: |
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Well stop talking about it. Be about it. Let’s go get that hair right now buddy! |
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| Cheeder Bob: |
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Yeah! Let’s go! |
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The End. |
