By Emani
CHARACTERS
Niy’Asia – A 16-year-old gold iPhone with a red case. She’s weird and wants to be human more than anything. She loves water and wants to swim.
Leah – Niy’Asia’s Mom. She is a 32-year-old set of acrylic pink nails with diamonds. She is chipped and cracked and tired of run outs. Leah is sweet and kind but likes to nag.
Lab Assistant – A Cow who always gets her job wrong.
Mr. Jones the Scientist – A Gorilla who discovered how to turn things into humans. Very full of himself.
TIME
The Present – 2:30 in the afternoon on a rainy day.
SETTING
The Livingroom of Niy’Asia and Leah’s Place and The Transformation Lab.
AT RISE
Niy’Asia wants to become human right away before her contract runs out. Leah won’t let her do it alone because she doesn’t want to lose her. They are arguing.
NIY’ASIA
Mom, I wanta go first for the human test!
LEAH
NO! I am going first because I am the mom and I need to make sure the test is safe for you to take in case anything bad happens.
NIY’ASIA
But Mom, you might die!
LEAH
It’s alright. I’ll be fine.
NIY’ASIA
(Starts up her crying ringtone and leans on her mom.)
I’m so worried, Mom. I love you. I’m just so terrified that the test might not work and I would be all alone.
LEAH
A Mom is not supposed to bury her child. A child is supposed to bury their parents.
NIY’ASIA
You’re right. We’re just going to have to leave this in God’s hands. Can we take the test together, at the same time?
LEAH
Good question. Come here. I am going to call the lab. Give me a sec.
(She dials Niy’Asia and puts her on speaker phone)
LAB ASSISTANT
Hello, Human Resources. We turn electronics into people! How may I help you?
LEAH
Hi, my name is Leah and I have an appointment on Friday for me and my daughter to become human and I was wondering if we could both be tested at the same time.
LAB ASSISTANT
That’s a good question. We’ve never had anyone ask that before… Please hold while I talk to my manager.
(Puts Leah on hold. They hear old school music for a minute. The Assistant gets back on the phone.)
My manager says that it is possible but the date you and your daughter are coming in, the head scientist is out and will be for a week.
(Niy’Asia lets out a disappointed beep)
LEAH
Okay, Thanks for the info. May I call you back?
LAB ASSISTANT
Yes, call whenever you need to. Have a nice day.
(NIY’ASIA throws a fit and plays a loud horn sound through her speakers.)
LEAH
Calm your Siri down before I change my mind and we both don’t go through this process!
NIY’ASIA
Yes, Ma’am. LEAH
Now what we’re going to do is wait ‘til next Friday ‘til the scientist gets back. Do you have a problem with that?
NIY’ASIA
No, I do not. That’s fine, Mom.
SCENE 2
THE NEXT DAY
(Niy’Asia rings. Leah answers.)
LEAH
Hello. This is Leah speaking.
SCIENTIST
Hi, Miss Leah. This is Mr. Jones, the scientist from the lab. I’m sorry for the inconvenience but my assistant was supposed to tell you this but you have to pay $300 per person to go through this test.
LEAH
I am a pair of nails! How do you think I am going to get $600????
SCIENTIST
Good question.
LEAH
Please help me out! This means so much to my daughter. She is so much into water. She wants to work in the aquarium on Golden Gate Park. She’s 16 and needs a purpose. Don’t let her just be a lonely phone.
SCIENTIST
You got a 16-year-old that needs a purpose? Most 16-year-olds I know don’t want a purpose.
LEAH
So what are you saying?
SCIENTIST
What I am saying is… I am going to do the test for you but I need you to do something for me.
LEAH
Like what?
SCIENTIST
I am going to give you 4 months to come up with the money once you become human. If you don’t give me the money in 4 months, it’s going to go up $100 each month until you pay.
LEAH
I am going to get a job at the Boys and Girls Club. I already scheduled it on Niy’Asia’s phone.
SCIENTIST
Mmm. So is it a deal or not?
LEAH
It’s a deal.
SCIENTIST
Okay. Can you come in on Wednesday to sign the waivers and stuff you have to fill out to go through the test. It’s just saying that you are sure you want to go through this process.
LEAH
When I come in on Wednesday, I want to see your credentials to make sure you are legit.
SCIENTIST
I find it kind of rude that you don’t think I am legit. I’ll have my credentials for you! The UC Scientists Academy’ Of New York City. The best in the world.
(He hangs up.)
NIY’ASIA
So I have to give you $300??? I feel like that is your job. I am the kid!!!
LEAH
Who you talkin’ to? This whole thing was your idea! I don’t even want to be human. I am doing this for you!!!
NIY’ASIA
I never asked you to do this.
(Niy’Asia loses her mind.)
LEAH
Since you want to be disrespectful and ungrateful, let’s call the whole thing off!!! I am going to the nail shop!
(Leah starts to leave.)
NIY’ASIA
I have to become human. I want to breathe the air, smell the flowers, and be a teenager. I ask Siri all the time to show me kids. I watch them on Snap Chat and Instagram. I will pay for the whole thing, Mom. I will work at the aquarium. Please just deal with it!
LEAH
I don’t know about this. You are being hecka rude.
NIY’ASIA
Please! I’m so excited to be a human, excited to meet people, learn new things. Go swimming!!! I’m just overwhelmed about having to come up with the money. I’m not sad about not being a phone anymore because I can buy me a phone!!!
LEAH
Okay. It’s alright with me.
(Leah and Niy’Asia go and sign the paperwork and confirm their appointment with Mr. Jones, the Gorilla Scientist who will be there on Friday morning after all.)
SCENE 3
(FRIDAY MORNING. THE BIG DAY!!!! Both Leah and Niy’Asia wake up to the phone alarm and get ready for the human test.)
NIY’ASIA
I love you, Mom. Thanks for this. I’m scared. What if it doesn’t work?
LEAH
I love you, too. Don’t be afraid. I am here with you.
(Niy’Asia rubs her home button on Leah’s diamonds. They go to the lab and wait in the front room. The Scientist enters.)
SCIENTIST
Well, your paperwork looks good. Are you ready?
LEAH
Yes.
NIY’ASIA (at the same time)
No!
LEAH
What do you mean, “No”?
NIY’ASIA
I’m scared. I’m scared. I’m scared.
SCIENTIST
It’s alright. I’ve done this test many times before and there is only a 10% chance of failure. You’ve got 90% on your side.
NIY’ASIA
Are you sure?
SCIENTIST
100% sure. So come on get ready for your transformation!
(He leads them to the transformation lab. NIY’ASIA lets out a big breath.)
SCENE 4
THAT NIGHT
(Leah and Niy’Asia walk out of the lab as humans. There are a few things wrong. Niy’Asia has six fingers on one hand and two different eyes. Leah has two left feet.)
LEAH
Well, we’re not perfect but we’re human.
NIY’ASIA
True, Mom. The 10% happened, I guess. Thank you for doing this with me. I really appreciate it.
(They hug for the first time.)
END OF PLAY
