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By Derrick M.

Characters:

Ego the Eggplant, 17 years old

Ace the Apple, 17 years old

Setting:

Apple headquarters, Cupertino. There are emoji’s everywhere, blue bubble floating in the air. There are Machines building thousands of iPhones. There is mist falling from the wall sprinklers, nurturing the exotic flowers along the wall. Luxury is an understatement compared to the bejeweled building.

Time:

Friday afternoon right before the big update comes out.

   

EGO

Daaaaaaaaammmmmmmm! This place is off the vine. If only there weren’t so many people. This could almost be home. I can’t see how Ace comes up with any ideas. It’s too loud. I can’t hear myself think. Stop lying. Who? I can barely hear myself talk. (sarcastically) Now it’s barely but before it was can’t. Bra, let my seeds go. Besides, you shouldn’t even be talking to yourself. So stop talking. Done. Ace is ridiculous, I wonder how much this place cost? See me, all’s I’d need is a quiet farm and a warm soil box. Too many people. Germs. Words. Stupidity. And I bet all these people are fake. They are fake you dummy, they’re computer animated. You’re doing it again. Doing what? Talking to yourself you slap, sometimes you have the brain capacity of a plant. I am a plant. We are a plant. Wait. I’m a plant and your me. Stop talking to me, you’re confusing me. Confusing you? Yes, I’m supposed to be mad at Ace. Shut up, Ace never cares, he does anything to fit in. It’s like the fruit salad all over again. I hate being around people. I hate it, I hate it. Hate is a strong word. I know. Wait, shut up. Angry can’t even begin to describe what I’m feeling right now. He doesn’t get it, and he won’t unless you tell him. Shut up. Why do you keep interrupting me? You’re interrupting yourself, dummy. I hate you. Not really cause then you would hate yourself. Maybe I do. You’re confused, just admit and get over it. I know, but how? This is too weird, I only found out a few weeks ago. Found out what? Sometimes I think I’m crazy when I don’t even know what I’m talking about. (Lil Boosie voice, singing) They say that I’m craaaazzzzzy but I’m not crazzzy. (shakes head) Yeah, but I need space to know I can’t keep floating around like this not knowing who I am and what I am. Space. Yeah, you’re right, I need Space. Sshhh, there goes Ace. Tell him.

(Ace rolls through the lobby. Ego sees him and rolls over to him.)

EGO

Ace, whassup?

ACE

Cuz! My fig, good to see you. Come on up to my office. (Ace and Ego step into an elevator)

 (thinking to himself) He’s more talkative this time. I remember that party, when I brought that peach to his room. (laughs. Ego can hear the laugh but nothing else) I think I’m gonna tell him. I mean, I have money but we can get rich. Like that Zuckerberg. I wonder what type of fruit he is or is he a plant? Whatever it is, dude’s German. Me and Ego’ll be up there soon. This new update’ll buy us anything we want. Only dummies think money can’t buy happiness. Different color eggplants… Bingo (loud) that’s a money maker.

(Singing)

I been getting money tryna get some more

I been grinding heavy heavy every were I go

I been in this elevator man it’s moving slow

I’m just tryna get rich and spend it wit my bro (sung twice)

(Elevator dings and opens in Ace’s penthouse suite office)

Look around lil bra. (pause, opens his arms wide and gestures to the entire room) This how we do it. Man I’m glad you came through cause I hated that grocery store. Sleeping in a bin all day. Waking up wet and kids, man I hated kids always picking me up. Touching me. You know one almost dropped me? Andy got dropped last year. That sold me. But now I’m rich, on my way to wealthy, and those Fuji apples can’t get enough of me. (cocky) they can’t help but dig a granny smith like ya boy. Now what if I got dropped or… or… even bruised!? No one wants a bruised apple. That’s exactly why I had to cut. Not organic but you know what I mean.

EGO

(looks around) It’s nice, I’ll give you that.

ACE

(sarcastic) Nice? Man this place the bomb- oops! My bad, I’m trippin I just had to sign a contract with the Double FBI. I can’t say certain things.

EGO

(laughs) Man, you crack me up. Not literally, but yeah.

ACE

How you been though?

EGO

Wait wait wait, did you say Double FBI? What the fruit is that?

ACE

You know bra, quit playin.

EGO

(serious, sarcastic) Bra, if I know I wouldn’t ask. (turns head, quietly) dummy.

ACE

The Federal Fruit Basket of Investigation. (shakes head) I told you to come with me but you wanted to stay. Who want to stay in a grocery store?

EGO

You were reckless. You expected me to hop in a random purse and go where the wind took you.

ACE

Does it matter? You ended up in the same place anyway.

EGO

Yeah, but in my own time. You never think things through –

ACE

(cuts Ego off) How did you get here anyway?

EGO

I found one of those Chef Boy-R-Dee cans and paid him some seeds to drop me off. They get around. You’d be surprised, they can still do what they do, I mean, with all those commercials and what not.

ACE

Yeah, so you finally came to your senses and decided to kick it with your big cousin, huh?

EGO

Nah, I just thought I’d talk to you before I left.

ACE

Left? Where you going? Everything I been doing been right so far, and you talkin ‘bout “left”? (head nod) wassup with you?

EGO

Left. As in I’m leaving. On my way. About to go.

ACE

You playin, right?

EGO

(shakes head) Nah, not really.

ACE

Where to then?

EGO

Remember before we were ripe and I told you I wanted a farm all to myself? Somewhere quiet, without so many people around?

ACE

Yeah, but I always thought you were joking. I never took nothing that serious before we were ripe.

EGO

I know. Remember you wanted to be McDonald’s apple slices ‘til that kid dipped Ally in the caramel sauce?

ACE

(laughs) you still remember that? Man that was seasons ago.

EGO

Yeah, but my thouhts never changed. I always needed space to find myself. Never people.

ACE

True. So you finally came to congratulate me? You would think after the first 5 phones you would’ve came, but you wait until 7. (laughs) And I’m working on the eighth.

EGO

That’s actually what I came to talk about.

ACE

Really? I hope it’s about the emoji’s, I need some new ideas and I’m tired of all these useless apps. Like, who need an app to throw toilet paper in the toilet? And that Candy Crush who wans to crush candy when you’re supposed to eat it and that –

EGO

(loudly) ACE! Will you let me talk?!

ACE

(mumbles) It’s not my fault I use my core. (sarcastically) Go ahead sir.

EGO

I didn’t mean to yell but it is actually about the emoji’s. I don’t –

ACE

Wait, hold that thought. (grabs paper and pen) Continue.

EGO

(shakes head) I don’t want to be an emoji, and I don’t want you to use my picture anymore.

ACE

(appalled) What?! You’re famous, everyone uses you and the juicy fruit love you. I don’t know why but they do.

EGO

That’s the thing. I don’t want any of it. Not the fame or the ladies. I just want peace and quiet. Open space and opportunity. I need to find my –

ACE

Wait wait wait, not even the money?

EGO

Money is naught but a thing that is hard to find and easy to lose. So no, especially not the money.

ACE

You’ve been reading too many books. You sound… you sound organic. But a few weeks here and you’ll be back to Ego-maniac.

EGO

I told you to never call me that. Besides, the fruit salad was centuries ago.

ACE

So you’ll stay, right? I need ideas for my new update anyway.

EGO

(angry, yelling) No! Why can’t you let me be me. Stop trying to change me. We’re nothing alike and I hate attention.

ACE

Somebody needs a warm soil bed.

EGO

Ace, I really love you but I strongly dislike your iphone and emoji’s. Why would you use my picture like that without asking?

ACE

(Chris Tucker voice) I’m tryna get rich and you know this mannnn!

EGO

I’m not trying to get rich. I’m trying to find myself. I don’t know if I’m straight. I don’t know if I’m gay. Trans, a girl, a boy. I’m confused and I can’t stay that way for the rest of my life. I have to find out who I am and what I am so my life can be lived peacefully. So out of everybody, why me? Why put me in that predicament? Do you know how it felt growing up under your shadow and you getting all the attention, no one noticing me, cycle after cycle? I helped you find yourself. I never had time to find me and you never helped. Now all of a sudden you share attention and I have no idea what to do with it, so why? Why me?

ACE

Because you were all I could think of and it wasn’t meant to put you in the spotlight I just didn’t want to leave you out but the humans took it to a whole ‘nother level.  I never thought… I never thought you felt that way. Trust me, you’re closer than any fruit I hang with and if… if I’d known I’d never let that happen. Why didn’t you tell me? Everything I thought I was doing seemed right. Why now? What did I do? What changed?

EGO

Me….  I changed and I just need you to accept that. I need you to accept me.

ACE

I do… I mean I already have.  I always did.  On my core, you just have to tell me and I’ll fix it. Promise.

EGO

What about the send a message on an eggplant? I know you were behind that.

ACE

Yeah, but only because they loved you so much. Why not expand on it? Don’t tell the humans though, they think it was their idea.

EGO

Why don’t you just have different color emoji’s instead of just yellow? Why use me?

ACE

(writes down everything) How was I supposed to know they would send your picture with peaches and water emoji’s?

EGO

You weren’t, but leave me out if it. Please. Your update should give you enough time. I mean, you have one every few months or so. Can’t you just temporarily discontinue my emoji until the next one?

ACE

I cooulllddd but then what would happen to my users. You know they almost had a cyber riot because I took the gun emoji away.

EGO

But now the water gun emoji is popular and nobody cares as much.

ACE

True. You have a point. I’ll give you that but every update needs something new or the humans’ll switch to androids. With their stupid machinery and stuff. You’d think these people saw terminator but noooo.

EGO

So?

ACE

So you got any ideas?

EGO

A few, but if I do this, you discontinue me until your next update. That’ll give me enough time to find a farm and find myself.

ACE

Anything you want, E. I got you. So spit it out. Not literally cause then you’ll be short a few seeds, but yeah. Hurry up (looks at watch) you’ve been here three fruit loops already and I love you but you fugly my fig.

EGO

Says the sour apple sending my picture to peaches.

ACE

Hold up let me get a clean sheet (ruffles paper around) Okay go ahead.

EGO

Why don’t you make different color phones instead of rose, gold, silver, and black?

ACE

That has absolutely nothing to do with the update. Speaking of Absolute, you know they used me as a flavor? And you don’t hear me complaining.

EGO

Shut up.

ACE

Just sayin.

EGO

Well how about  you tell the phone companies that it can be an upgrade but really you don’t change nothing but the color. Like red. Red’s a nice color. Then like a few months late come out with green or blue like the 5c’s.

ACE

(writes all this down) My fig. I knew I loved you for a reason.

EGO

More like a season but I love you too.

ACE

Can’t never take a compliment.

EGO

Not really, all’s you said was that you loved me for a reason, not the actual reason.  How hard is it to give an explanation?

ACE

(checks watch) yeah, it’s about that time. I think you need a lot of time to find yourself and, uh, you can start that now.

EGO

(laughing) Love you bra, be smooth. (presses elevator button)

ACE

Of course I’ll be smooth. I’m an apple, duh.

(Ego shakes his head. The elevator dings and the doors open. Ego walks in and the doors close behind him.)

END OF PLAY.



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