By Has

I’m in a cage because of something I did in 2015. It is 2017 now and I’m 18 years old with a cub who is 10 months and another cub expected august 16th. I feel so helpless in here. My family are out there all alone and I can’t do anything about it. I’m angry and here’s the thing about anger; you can be angry at someone and eventually forgive them, but when it’s yourself you’re angry at, things get deeper and your soul hurts.

It all started with my granny and grandpa, but I’m going to skip a generation and tell you about my dad and mommy. My dad is from Sunnydale and my mom was from Killing Dubs. They moved to a worse jungle a month after I was born. I was born October 21st 1998, two years later my little brother was born August 5th 2000. The year 2000 is when all hell broke loose. March 24th 2000 some Rhinos identified my dad as someone he wasn’t and picked him up. They thought he was my uncle. They beat him for hours, but they forgot to search him. He had a weapon. He told me he thought he would die, so he used the weapon and happened to kill one of the Rhinos. The Rhinos name was Michael and I send my condolences to his family because we both lost a father and a husband that day. They gave my father the death penalty. Three months later my mom was sitting in a field by a watering hole and five masked animals killed her. They never found any leads or never tried because she was the wife of my dad “the Rhino killer”.

I could tell you how my life was so hard with all the bad cats, lionesses, shame, poverty and pain, but I won’t go there because that part of the story isn’t important in my life anymore. I do believe it was my dad and my grandpa’s fault I went through so much, but as a lion, I take full responsibility for my actions and I have full remorse. I’m still trying to forgive myself for a lot of things I did. I have so much pain inside of me. I want to give back to every cat I’ve ever hurt physically or emotionally. I have a family now, two beautiful cubs and a caring, loving mate. I did some things in my past that I have to live with for the rest of my life. I don’t forgive myself for it, but I accept it. My life has been a movie, war stories, heart breaks, killings, neglect, homelessness, addiction and never ending trauma. All of these things led me to be the awesome lion, mate and father I am today. I feel like a 50 year old cub sometimes, if that makes sense.

In this jungle we live in, it is you vs. you. I needed to be caged. At first, I didn’t think so, but you never know what you need, until you need it. I didn’t just change overnight though. It took a lot of discipline and it still takes a lot. Everyday obstacles get in my way and test me and every day I have to make choices to stay on the right path or give in. It’s been a long, hard journey, but I truly feel like I got it. I grew up too fast, but the bright side of that is, I learned that life is long if you let it be. I honestly believe you have to be tired of something to really change. It can be a habit or a lifestyle. I’m tired of losing, I’m tired of my lioness crying, I’m tired of missing in action. I’m tired of being a cub- I’m ready to be a lion now. I’m ready.