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The Argument by Eddie B.
Characters: CRASH the Paper Airplane – 5 days old SPIN the Spitball – 6 days old They are brothers.
Setting: Classroom (inside a desk drawer)
Time: Day
At rise: Crash is in the drawer, pacing back and forth and fuming.
CRASH (pacing) (mumbling under his breath)
Seconds later the drawer opens and Spin drops in.
SPIN Shiza! That old hag! How dare she! I can’t believe this…!
CRASH Oh no. You’re here, too?!
SPIN (spins around) (speaking sarcastically) No, I’m not here, I’m still out there!
CRASH Hey man, I didn’t do anything to you!
SPIN (breaking a paper clip) Yo shut up!
CRASH Hey, you’re gonna get us in more trouble!
SPIN Oh, you’re Mr. Goody-two-wings now!
CRASH No, but at least I’m not like you, always wanting to break this, hit her, and get stuck on that!
SPIN (advancing on crash) Why I oughta…!
We hear the sound of a drawer opening.
SPIN What was that?
CRASH That was this… (gestures around).
SPIN Soooo…. what exactly is this?!
CRASH A drawer! It was a drawer dim wit!
SPIN Geez, that was harsh.
CRASH What?! You were about to hit me, and that was harsh…
SPIN Yeah, otherwise…
Another drawer opens somewhere.
CRASH Shhh! Keep it down, I need to get out of here.
SPIN Crash, how are we gonna get outta here?
CRASH I don’t know. I just know that I gotta see the world! I gotta fly man, ya know.
SPIN W – w – whaaat! What do you mean, see the world. I thought we were the Havoc Bros. We’re supposed to cause trouble, break, crash and get stuck on things, man!
CRASH Well, I mean, that’s fun and all but…
SPIN But what? You don’t like me anymore, is that it? Huh?
CRASH No, it’s not you. It’s me. I mean, yeah. It’s you a little bit. But it’s mostly me, though.
SPIN So you don’t like me, that’s what you want to say? Isn’t it?
CRASH You sound like a bad date, man, cool down.
SPIN Cool down! What you expect me to cool down! (Breaks another paperclip) How can I do that when you got these dreams of seeing things and living a carefree life and just generally coasting along! Where’s the Havoc in that?
CRASH Well, turbulence has a bit of havoc in it. I guess.
SPIN Ha! Turbulance! Do you even hear yourself speaking?
CRASH Actually, I’ve gone temporarily deaf for a few seconds. Hey man, when did you become so mean? I mean, you’ve always been this way but not so much towards me.
SPIN Oh about 5 ½ days ago! You know when we got kicked out of the desk?
CRASH Well, you don’t have to hate on my dream, bro. I’m a plane, I gotta fly, man, feel the wind.
SPIN Crash, quit being delusional. You’re a PAPER AIR PLANE. You can barely stay in the air for more than a minute. And you can feel the wind beneath your wings while crashing around the classroom with me! Think what good can come from going out that window.
CRASH Look at what good all your havoc did. We’re stuck in a drawer probably gonna be recycled, spin.
SPIN Well at least we had fun. I mean, you did have fun, didn’t you?
CRASH Of course I had fun. Remember the time I got stuck up that jock’s nose?
SPIN Yeah, that was the best, man. You really don’t want to leave, do you?
CRASH Yes, I do.
SPIN No, you don’t.
CRASH How are you gonna say what I want to do?
SPIN Like this, ‘No, you don’t.’
CRASH See, this is why I want to go!
SPIN Aha, so it is me.
CRASH No.
SPIN Yes, it is.
CRASH What the hell, man. You like causing trouble so much that you want to be the problem. That’s sad, bro.
SPIN Well, it’s not as sad as a paper plane wanting to be a real plane.
CRASH Uh, yeah it is and there’s nothing wrong with being a real plane. Look at pinocchio, that’s a famous story.
SPIN Look, you can’t leave man.
CRASH And why can’t I leave, Spin, why?
SPIN Well, for one, we’re stuck in a drawer and… and…
CRASH And what?
SPIN Well, uh, look, this might sound a bit girly, man, but I… I… I need you, man.
CRASH What if I said, I don’t care. SPIN Well… I’d probably break your face. Nothing personal, of course.
CRASH See, that’s why I gotta go man.
SPIN Wait, I didn’t mean it like that. What I meant was I’d have to slap you about a little, you know.
CRASH No, man, I don’t know. I thought we were brothers. Brothers don’t do that to each other, Spin.
SPIN Well, if I did that it would make your statement false, wouldn’t it?
CRASH Yes. Yes, it would. But if, but then, I would definitely leave.
SPIN So you’re not gonna leave?
CRASH I didn’t say that, did I?
SPIN Well, no, but you could stay.
CRASH Look, I’m leaving and that’s final.
The drawer opens and crash is pulled out. The drawer then closes.
SPIN What! What! Hey, what about me?! What the hell, man. (pause) I hate being so small. |
